I Need Him

I've heard some call last year "the year from hell." For me, I wouldn't go that far, but I would say I won't forget it anytime soon.

Last year, I did some hardcore growing up in my faith. I learned how to lean on God when I felt my anxiety crashing over me. I learned to trust Him while watching my loved ones go through hard times.

However, I have found myself lost at times. I've found myself going though the motions. In a lot of ways, last year feels like a year of losses. And it feels like it's spilling over into this year.

On March 10th, I lost someone who I was close to, who has known me for my whole life, and who has been a long, long time friend of my family.

I'm talking about my Aunt Kathie. She wasn't my real Aunt but she came pretty stinking close. I've been to a handful of funeral and memorial services. But going to my aunt's was the hardest one. I have never felt such loss like this. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to feel.

The last time I saw her was Monday March 9th. I prayed that she would get better. I don't understand why she didn't. However, I'm not angry at God. Most who grieve blame God. But honestly I trust that God knows best. Even if I don't understand it and even if I can't explain it. But what I do know is she is no longer in pain and in that I can rejoice! 

In some ways I still do feel like I'm still going through the motions. I raise my hands, I sing loud and I pray, but I don't feel anything. I know it is me. I've stopped moving to God. It's like everything has caught up to me and I just can't breathe. The only thing I can seem to say is "God, I need you. God, I'm lost without you."

It's hard when it feels like nothing is going right. It's hard to run to God when you don't understand why things like this happen. But these are times it matters the most.

I don't know who this post is for. Maybe it's for me, so I can release some bottled up emotions that I hadn't dealt with. To tell y'all the truth I haven't really had the strength to talk about it. It's even hard writing this... I've cried through most of it.  

So, I'm sure you're wondering how I am going to deal with this deep loss and all the other struggles going on in my life... It's simple. I'm going to get on my knees and pray. I'm going to raise my hands in the air and let go of my sadness, my hurts, my fear.

Why? Because My God is for me and "He heals the brokenhearted." (Psalm 147:3)

So, don't push God away. He wants to help you get through whatever you're going through right now. My aunt was a great woman of God, and I know she would tell me to run to God with my heavy heart. I strongly suggest you do the same. You will be glad you did.

Yes, I miss my aunt a lot. Some days are easier than others but God has given me peace and has comforted me. (Matt 5:4)

So, run to God with everything you have. I know I will be, because I have great needs that only He can take care of. I need Him every minute of every day. 

Until next time!

Love,
-Girl In Ministry